


Strawberry Fields Forever

by peppypear



Series: Fruitvengers AU [2]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Peter Parker, Bad Jokes, Biology Inaccuracies, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Dirty Jokes, Double Entendre, First Meetings, Fluff, Food, Food Metaphors, Fruit, M/M, Misunderstandings, Non-Human Genitalia, Other, Pre-Relationship, Protective Wade Wilson, Puns & Word Play, Threats of Violence, Vore allusions, Weird Biology, you can interpret this as romance or friendship because come on......theyre fruits.....
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 13:32:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16018955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppypear/pseuds/peppypear
Summary: All Peter wants is to be taken seriously. Wade just wants a friend.AU where Peter is an adorable strawberry and Deadpool is a moldy half-burned jalapeno that everyone finds disgusting.





	Strawberry Fields Forever

As a strawberry, Peter knew he wasn't the biggest or toughest fruit on the planet, but he considered it his life’s mission to help as many of his compatriots as he could. Whether it was rescuing fruits from ants, directing lost produce back to their cart, or helping them cross the aisle, Peter was always ready to help a fruit out of a pickle.

He just wished that the other fruits would stop treating him like a cute little strawberry that needed protecting.

“Here you go, Mrs A.” Peter said as he escorted the granny apple across the floor to the opposite aisle.

“My, what a lovely young fruit you are! And with such a beautiful red coat.” 

“Thanks, Mrs A, but I'm doing my job. It's nothing.” Peter flushed tomato-red. His appearance was always the first thing others commented on. 

“Don’t be silly, what's your name, dear? Where are your parents?” The granny apple seemed a few seconds from patting him on the head. “Aren't you adorable? So small!”

“I'm not adorable, I'm your friendly neighbourhood strawb-” Peter’s protest was cut off by a catcall from overhead.

“Cut me a slice of that strawberry shortcake!” Deadpool called as he bounded past. 

Peter didn't think it was possible to turn any redder, but he did.

The granny apple made a disapproving noise. “That vulgar jalapeno is always up to no good. You stay out of his way, dear.”

Peter twitched in annoyance, because he would have avoided Deadpool if he could. But the jalapeno always seemed to know where Peter would be. It was always the same routine: Deadpool would show up, yell something suggestive, then vanish before Peter could respond.

It drove Peter bananas.

Deadpool was as mysterious as he was irritating; nobody knew much about the battered jalapeno other than that he lived alone underneath the fridges, and that he was nuttier than a fruitcake. 

Actually… maybe if said fruitcake was the centrepiece of a zombie’s birthday party.

Deadpool’s formerly red skin had been burned black, implying some horrific incident in his mysterious past. There was even a chunk of flesh missing from his head, exposing two white seeds, which peered out of the gash like eyes. Franken fruit had never seemed a more apt description, because there seemed to be no scientific explanation for how Deadpool was still alive. It was hard to gauge how long Deadpool had been in the supermarket because he never seemed to decompose. He seemed as permanent a fixture as the water stains on the ceiling; nobody could do anything about those either.

Deadpool seemed to revel in unholy glee at the shock his disturbing appearance caused. It was easy to tell where Deadpool was at any given time, because there were always a trail of shrieks and curses in his wake. 

“That jalapeno is a menace!”

“His gross face makes my cherries curl up and die.” 

“I heard through the grapevine that he eats other fruits and then pollinates the bodies!”

Peter always thought that the other fruits were pretty rude. Just because Deadpool was annoying was no reason to make personal remarks about his appearance.

Not that Deadpool needed Peter’s aid defending himself: the jalapeno’s other favorite pastime involved provoking the other fruits with controversial topics, all of of them revolving around death or being eaten. One time he'd regaled the spinach section with talk of cold press juicers, and half of them had wilted out of sheer fright.

And now Peter seemed to be his new favourite target. Peter flicked his leaves in uncomfortably, wondering what he'd done to deserve this trouble. 

It wasn’t like he was being uptight about it - Peter wasn't so young that he didn't have any illusions about his eventual fate. He knew that one day he would cast off his mortal flesh, like the Parkers before him, and go to the Big Fruit Bowl In The Sky, where the climate was always perfect, water and soil conditions were ideal, and there were no insects except bees. Bees were nice.

Therefore, until his time came, Peter was determined to do as much good as possible. 

Still, death was something most fruits avoided talking about. But most fruits were not Deadpool.

Where Deadpool always had an inappropriate joke for everyone, he seemed to have saved the most salacious ones for Peter. 

“Yo! I found this recipe for strawberry-jalapeno jam! Whaddaya say?” Deadpool called when Peter was hanging out with his friends.

(“Why is that weird jalapeno yelling at you?” Ned asked curiously.

“I dunno, ignore him and maybe he'll go away.” Peter stuck closer to his friend, a double strawberry.)

“Ooh, guess who I wanna dip in chocolate sauce for Valentine’s Day?” Deadpool hollered when Peter was helping May with an errand. 

(“Who is that, Peter?”

“Um…Nobody. Just some crazy pepper.”)

“You, me, and a can of whipped cream, how's that sound?” Came the call when Peter was brushing his leaves.

“How about some daiquiris? Strawberry-flavored of course~!” When Peter was helping another granny apple cross the aisle.

“How's my favorite berry? I talked to one of the rhubarbs and she's down for a threesome!” Deadpool called as he rode past the strawberry section on the front a shopping cart like a monstrous figurehead.

“The itsy-bitsy-berry climbed up the garden wall~” sang Deadpool as Peter swung to the flower section to visit Mr Stark and Steve.

Peter wished he could laugh off the jokes like Thor, threaten him like Natasha, or tell him off like Mr Stark, but truth be told, he wasn't used to anyone paying so much attention to him. 

And… well, it made Peter self conscious. While the others considered Deadpool annoying but harmless, Peter couldn't help feeling embarrassed by all the dirty jokes. 

Eventually, Peter decided that enough was enough. 

Following the trail of crying fruit, Peter tracked down Deadpool to a store room where old crates were stacked.

“Oooh, you've cornered me! Whatever will I do?” Deadpool curved into what he probably thought was a seductive pose.

“Deadpool, I don't have time for your weirdness. I'm here to-”

“So assertive, I like. None of this beating off around the bush.” Deadpool’s charred stem quivered in delight. “Oh, if you insist. Take me, I'm all yours!” 

Peter flinched as Deadpool lunged. The half-burned body wrapped around him like a big red snake. “What?! Wait, that's not what I mean!”

Deadpool snuggled him, lost in a happy daydream. “Just think of it; you, me, a family of little jalapeno-strawberry hybrids. The mutant fruits of our loins will be beautiful AND spicy!” 

“You ever hear of taking jokes too far?” Peter tried to get the conversation back on track, but it was difficult. Deadpool was pressed up against him, and his body smelled spicy, with a faint smoky undertone.

Deadpool began toying with Peter’s leaves. “Aww, I never take jokes too far. I beat them to death, resuscitate them, shoot them in the head again, and make sweet love to the head hole.”

“That sounds gross.” Peter groused.

Deadpool chuckled, wrapping him in a tighter embrace. “Well, love can be messy. All the fluids and strawberry jam all over the place. Hehe… strawberry jam…”

Peter had had enough. “Stop it!” 

His flare of anger made Deadpool fall silent, and immediately Peter feeling horrible for lashing out. But he had to go on. “Why do you have to keep making weird jokes all the time? ”

Deadpool went still as tap water. “I was trying to make you laugh, I didn't mean to-”

“Well, I don't like them! I'm trying my best to help other fruits, but none of them take me seriously! I don’t need you making fun of me as well!” Peter felt like the situation was speeding out of control faster than a runaway fruitcart, but he pressed on. “Leave me alone!”

Deadpool regarded him with that same stillness, and Peter gulped, suddenly feeling like he had egg on his face.

Unable to think of a response, Peter took the coward’s way out: made like a strawberry runner, and fled.

\--

Deadpool did leave him alone after that. 

Peter felt guilty over for losing his temper. Maybe crass jokes were just Deadpool’s way of reaching out. Peter didn't have many friends, and now he’d driven away someone who was only trying to interact, in his own way.

But… all of Deadpool’s incessant comments had taken its toll, and in the heat of the moment all Peter’s bottled-up frustration had exploded out like the deadly spikes of a sandbox tree. He wished he'd handled the situation more politely, but it was too late now.

In an odd way, Peter found himself missing the awful jokes. Deadpool was nothing if not consistent - his jokes one of the few things Peter could count on hearing every day. Other than May and the few friends he had, few fruits bothered to talk to him.

Well… other than to remark how  _ cute and adorable _ he was, how he shouldn't be running around getting and fights and trying to help, just stay home and be a sweet little strawberry. 

For what had to have been the millionth time, Peter wished he was bigger, stronger, something others would take seriously. Like a coconut or a pumpkin.

It wasn’t fair.

Peter was jolted out of his sulk by the booming voice of one of the human Mart employees.

“Sir, would you like to sample our organic strawberries?”

“Wow! Look at ‘em, this one is such a beautiful red!”

Before Peter knew what was happening could react, a gigantic human hand had pinched him by the leaves and was lifting him out of the fruit section.

The hand brought him towards a cavernous jaw lined by boulder-sized teeth. As Peter gazed down the long dark path, he realised, all of a sudden,  _ he didn't want to go.  _

Peter thought he was ready to meet his Maker, but no, not yet. 

Not now. Not like this.

“Hang on, you can’t just eat fruit right out of the basket...” the Mart employee interrupted. 

The hand holding Peter paused a few inches from the gaping maw. 

Peter sagged in the grip, wondering if he might be getting a reprieve. 

“...let me dehull for you!”

“What’s dehulling?”

“I’ll show you.” The Mart employee grabbed another strawberry from the box, and pressed a button on a pink plastic device. 

_ Shing.  _ Four blades retracted from the pink device. Peter gulped.

“You simply insert it into the head of the fruit, twist, and-“ 

_ Squish, _ went the blades as they stabbed into the strawberry’s head. The device twisted and then it was withdrawn, taking a chunk of pith and red flesh with it. 

“Ta dah! No more gross pith!” The Mart employee held up the hapless strawberry, a dribble of red juice trickling from the newly carved head hole.

Peter was frozen in horror at the gory sight. This was NOT how Peter imagined his death would go. Being eaten alive was bad enough, but being violated before his death really took the cake.

There was no escaping his fate, and as the big hand sharp tool and set the edge of the tool to Peter's head, he prayed that May wasn’t watching this.

“HIYAAAA!!!”

Like a bolt of black-and-red lightning, Deadpool shot down from the ceiling. Landing on the fruit cart, the crazy jalapeno aimed the tip of his body upwards and fired a stream of concentrated jalapeno juice into the human’s eye with unerring precision.

“Augh!” The human dropped Peter like a hot potato to scrub at his burning oculars. Plummeting towards the floor, Peter snagged the edge of the cart with his stem before he could smash against the linoleum. He hurriedly swung himself to safety behind a crate before the human could recover.

The trajectory of his swing sent him crashing into Deadpool. 

“What's up, strawberry shortcake?” Deadpool said grandly. “Uh, whoops, I forgot, no jokes. Hello!”

“Oh, Christmas tree.” Peter sagged against the crate, still stunned at how close he'd come to being eaten. It was too much action for today.

Deadpool hovered next to him, unexpectedly solicitous. “Hey, Red. You okay?”

Peter was about to respond, but what heard next made a chill as cold as freezerburn run through his body.

“Where'd my strawberry go?”

“Sir, we have a whole section full of samples-”

“But I wanted that one! It was so red and cute, probably full of juice. And it was perfectly shaped, too, like a tiny little heart!”

“Sir, please calm down-”

Peter shrank back against the crate. Any second now, the humans were going to turn and see him…

“Don't worry, I'll get you out of here.” Deadpool nudged him. “They don't call me the Fruit Ninja for nothing.” 

Knowing he had limited options, he twined his stem with Deadpool’s, and the jalapeno swung them away.

\--

“...And that's why they can call me the Fruit Ninja!”

“I know for a fact that nobody calls you that.” Peter replied sourly. Now that they were away from the danger, some of his shock had melted away. Certainly enough to be annoyed by Deadpool’s cheesy jokes again.

“And so it is.” Deadpool whipped off the sticker he was using as a mask. “Hola, mon fraise. Is everything daijoubu?” 

“Everything’s not okay! Especially not those languages you just butchered!” Peter knew he was being rude, but he couldn't help it. He didn't want to admit he was still shaken from how close he'd come to being lobotomized AND eaten.

“Ouch, way to hit me right in the seed pods.” Deadpool muttered. “Guessing by your tone, I’m not gonna get a thank-you smooch? I was kidding! Kidding!” he added hastily as Peter rounded on him.

“Why did you save me?” Peter asked crabbily. He thought Deadpool was full of beans, but the least he could do was humour the crazy pepper.

“I… wanted to apologize.”

“Huh?”

“I’d hate if my favourite berry left before I had a chance apologize for my previous behavior.” Deadpool’s shrivelled flesh sucked in as if drawing a breath. “Catcalling is not acceptable behaviour at all, and I was a real turnip about it. I was hoping that you'd find my jokes funny and… maybe even…” he trailed off.

“Favourite berry…?” Peter paused, something clicking into place. “Wait… all those jokes were your way of flirting?”

“Kinda?” Deadpool asked hopefully. “But since my quips landed flat, I was gonna roll myself in breadcrumbs and jump into the fryer to see if that’d make you laugh.” Deadpool twirled his stem thoughtfully. “In fact, there’s a fryer just round the corner, so if you'd just follow me-”

Peter quickly lassoed him with his stem before the crazy pepper actually did it. “Stop! You don't need to deep fry yourself.” he felt himself turning red as a raspberry as the second half of Deadpool’s sentence registered. “Wait, you liked me?!”

“Um, can you blame me? You're the sweetest berry I’ve ever seen. So smart and brave, always helping people, and…” Self-conscious and Deadpool were not two words that should be in the same sentence, but there was no other way to describe the way the pepper curled in on himself. “I couldn’t think of any way to make you notice me. I mean, look at me. I look like something Frankenstein left in the bathroom.”

“I don’t care how you look. Any fruit who insults you is a rotten old apple with peas for brains.” Peter responded stoutly. “Uh, no offense to actual peas, but you know what I mean…”

“Huh. You’d be the first fruit to not be freaked out by me.” Deadpool unfurled, regarding Peter with something like wonder. “I thought I'd made you hate me by taking the jokes too far…”

That gave Peter pause. “I thought you were making fun of me. Nobody takes me seriously.”

“Then they’ve got potatoes for brains! There’s nothing I take more seriously than watching you! I always see you being a hero to all those fruits!” Deadpool bounced up and down like a jumping bean.

“You watch me?”

“All the time, I’m like your number one fan! I remember that time you beat the pulp out of that mean old broccoli, Toomes, because he was bullying a whole bus of grapes.” Deadpool made a happy noise. “Warmed me right down to my seeds.”

“I didn’t know you noticed that.” Peter replied slowly. Maybe he had soured on Deadpool too soon before giving him a chance.

“If I didn't look like this, I’d have offered you a date ages ago.” Deadpool paused. “You might not believe it, but in my salad days, I used to be hottest thing this side of the vegetable aisle.”

Peter sensed the topic was a sore point for the jalapeno. “What happened?”

Deadpool wiggled up next to him like a red-and-black caterpillar. “I was like you, all bright and shiny, full of zest for life, eager to do good...” 

“You? A do-gooder?” The idea of rascally Deadpool as an upstanding member of Produce sounded weird, like blue bananas or square-shaped watermelons.

“Yeah, it was a long time ago.” Deadpool turned his head in a very human-like way. “Didn't make a difference what I did, cuz everyone I knew ended up bought and eaten. I tried running away, but that didn't work out so well.” 

“That’s insane, nobody knows what’s beyond Checkout.” Peter had never considered the idea of leaving the Mart.

“Insane is my middle name. Anyhoo, I got into a fight with another fruit, fell behind the grill, and lemme tell you, that was no picnic. It burned hotter than a ghost chili, and when a jalapeno tells you something is hot, you know we’re talking volcanic…”

“I think that’s a different type of hotness…” Peter interjected. 

“...electrical sparks flying everywhere, which is a real fire hazard, the Mart staff really should get that looked at…” Deadpool gave a shiver. “Long story short, my days of having nice red skin and being Hottest Pepper Alive were over. If that wasn't bad enough, I was coated with so much electrical fluid that my processes halted. So-” Deadpool dropped his head, and the two seeds in his gash jiggled sadly. “I can't even decompose. Can't die.”

Peter listened, the stirrings of sadness in his seeds. He couldn't imagine it, being forced to live forever while all his friends were taken.

“So in a weird way I got what I want - I’m gonna live forever. But I don’t think this is any better. Ain't that funny?” Deadpool twisted over to Peter. “I can see why the other fruits are uncomfortable around me. I remind them of their own mortality. And that there are things scarier than dying.”

“Is that why you joke about it all the time?” Peter’s seeds went out to the pepper. 

“Pretty much.” Deadpool’s mood turned wistful. “Gotta find the humor in this weird world somehow. We could end up painfully eaten or ground up at any time. Living is easy with your eyes closed, but where’s the fun in that? Why not live life plunging calyx-first into danger?”

Peter regarded Deadpool’s charred body dubiously. “You might not be the best spokesfruit for extreme lifestyles.”

“Ouch, way to pour salt into my wounds.” Deadpool replied but without heat. 

Much as Peter wanted to deny it, Deadpool had a point. None of them would be around forever, and they both had different ways of dealing with the inevitable: Peter by helping others, Deadpool by making jokes. 

Maybe they were two peas in a pod after all.

Deadpool tried to make himself as small as possible, which looked weird because he was so long. “So, when I pissed you off, that made me wonder if you hated me…” 

Peter thought it was time to extend an olive branch. “Look, Deadpool, I don't dislike you. I just,” Peter quickly added as the jalapeno gave a overjoyed squeal and tried to hug him again. “I was just hoping you could ease up a little on the food jokes. A couple now and then is okay, but not all the time.”

“Of course! We can talk about anything you like! Anything for my favourite berry!”

Peter couldn’t suppress his amusement at Deadpool’s sudden change in mood. “Actually, I'm not a berry. The scientific term is ‘aggregate accessory fruit.’ If you wanna call yourself my fan, you should have your facts right.”

“Ooh, I knew there was a reason I liked you. You stand out from the other strawberries like a strawberry in a bowl of peas.” Deadpool huddled up to him. “My name's Wade.”

“Hi… Wade. I'm Peter.” The name was unusual but it seemed to suit him. The spicy-and-smoky aroma was pouring off the other jalapeno, and his skin had a slight sting to it, but Peter didn't mind at all. 

“Peter, Peter.” Wade tried out the name, and the white seeds in his head seemed to be smiling. “So, Peter. How about we go sit on the counter and see how many humans I can shoot in the eye with my jalapeno juice? My capsaicin levels are off the Scoville scale, and it’s so fun when they run around screaming…” 

“Not exactly what I had in mind.” Peter glowed red with excitement. “I have a better idea.”

\--

“You pathetic fruits stand no chance against the power of the Mandarin- what?” Killian paused mid-monologue, surprised by Peter’s sudden appearance. The Mandarin Orange burst into a laugh. “Run home, little strawberry! Find some cream to hide in.”

Peter refused to back down. “Prepare to be strawberry smashed!”

“You and what army? I could squish you like a bug!” Killian began rolling towards the strawberry threateningly. But he paused, catching sight of a shadowy figure behind Peter. Before Killian could say another word, he was blasted head-on by a stream of stinging capsaicin. “Argh!”

“How do you like them apples?” Wade lowered his tip proudly. He turned, noticing the disapproving set of Peter’s leaves. “What? He’ll be fine! My juice is only toxic to humans. Nothing to get hung about.”

“Remember what I told you! No killing!” Peter swung forward, launching himself at the Mandarin.

“After you, shortcake!” Deadpool cocked his tip, readying himself for another shot. “Get ready, Mandarin, we’re about to get jalapeno business.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with more fruity nonsense! I love puns :D
> 
> I have a bunch of extra scenes involving Deadpool making bad puns at the other Avengers. I might post those as an extra chapter because I couldn't find a place for them in the main story
> 
> Hope you enjoyed these Fruitvengers and their Fruitventures!


End file.
